Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I am at two with nature.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.