The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.